Author Notes

~~~ Author Notes ~~~

Inside the book: “DOES ANYONE REALLY KNOW ME?”

My divorce was not final yet and my husband was not at the hospital when I had the baby. My family was there—thank God because it was something so deeply hurtful that I think without God I would not have done as well as I did. God had said to me that He would be with me, and indeed, He sure was in such a special way. There were people asking me if I needed a counselor or something, and I was kind of thinking to myself, for what? Well, my family and I cried for a long while in the hospital that day, and the next couple of days for me would seem to be harder. I would find myself feeling like I should be feeding my baby or wanting to ask for my baby but remembering I could not do that. Wow, that is an empty feeling that only God can fill. I was waiting in the hospital to have my tubes tied because I felt and thought, I am not going to be left with another baby to raise by myself. I did change my mind at the last minute, but by then I was falling asleep from the anesthesia they give me to operate.

After the operation, I still had to go home and make arrangements for my baby Daniel, and I had no money. Let me say that God has angels even in our midst. As I was making calls and trying to work out funeral arrangements, God was working it all out for me. I received a call from a funeral home in Long Beach, and the person on the other end said that the finances had been taken care of; I did not need to pay. Well, they would not give a name of the person who took care of everything for me, but I found out who it was. Let me say thank you again: you know who you are, even if you did not know I knew. God bless you over and over. I went to see my son Daniel at the funeral home, just God and me. The people there were so very nice, but they could not understand how I was so strong. I had the man ask me if I was OK many times, and I said, I am all right. I asked if I could be alone with my baby and he asked if I was sure and I replied yes, thank you. That next few minutes would be so very special to me, and I would never forget them. I had a chance to look at all of him: he was cold and his color was not as a living person but he was so very beautiful. I felt his little toes, his hands, all of him, even his little undeveloped head, as I thanked God for the little time I had him. It was harder leaving that funeral home than it was getting there. I left a rose to be cremated with him and yes, I still have his ashes. Losing a child is the hardest thing a parent can go through.
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